i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
