Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
