Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
