I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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