If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
