so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
