No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
