My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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