i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
