That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
