If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
