I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
