there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
