i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
