White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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