shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
