So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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