I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
