I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
