So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
