Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it's great music for shaving your balls
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
