If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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