Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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