Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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