And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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