I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
