one might say we're banned from that church
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
