True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
