benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
