Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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