I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
