Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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