I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
