Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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