There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
