Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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