fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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