he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
