When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
