so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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