do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
