Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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