i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
