Soap is not a condiment
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
