I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
