Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
