I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
