dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
