I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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