I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
