Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
